Apologies to Kermit, I do adore him, but I’m about to redefine this rainbow connection concept. For our iconic green muppet friend it was the intertwining of mind, body, and spirit. But, for me it’s much more literal because I am almost two years into establishing an actual connection with Tabetha, my rainbow baby. The truth is I’ve been struggling with this bond. And it’s also been a challenge to write about it all. This time around I have so many conflicting emotions I’m not sure how to adequately express them all, but I’m here to try.
I love my daughter, let’s start with that. From the moment I found out I was pregnant there was no doubt about it. But I also felt a shit ton of anxiety and detachment, which of course led to… you guessed it… a shit ton of guilt. Having a baby post loss undoubtedly elicited these feelings and so many more. Any joy I began to feel was quickly overshadowed by the what-if’s and doubt about the viable pregnancy. I was so scared to lose Tabby that I resisted fully bonding with her “just in case”. I can remember preempting every baby related sentiment with “if she sticks around” and that broke my heart every single time I put it out into the universe, but I just couldn’t help myself; I had to remain prepared for the worst. Right up until I was headed to the hospital for my c section I couldn’t manage complete happiness. On the ride I was quiet and almost sad. I spent most of my final pregnancy on an emotional roller coaster and I was still not relieved. Instead I was anxious about surgery and kind of regretful about not enjoying the ride more.
Once Tabby arrived I caught a glimpse of what I was robbed of feeling prior; joy and adoration. She was so tiny and perfect, I couldn’t get enough of her (or those positive emotions) during the short hospital stay. But as we returned home what-if transformed into what-could’ve-been. Anytime I cuddled, rocked to sleep, fed, sang to, adored, loved on, etc. my thoughts turned to Ben and my other two lost pregnancies. What would they have been like? Would I have done this (insert action) the same way with them? Would Tabby be here if even one of them had survived? And just thinking about all of this tore my heart into pieces, rendering me once again conflicted at best about my rainbow connection. Maybe I had to accept this vicious cycle as my new normal. But the truth is, I didn’t want to just give in. I needed to find a way to truly bond with my kid. How could I go through life being so disconnected?! I never experienced it with Sam and I damn sure didn’t want to continue this way with Tabby.
So, how did I overcome? Well honestly it’s still a work in progress, but we both grow closer and closer as time passes. It’s taken a conscious effort on my part to mentally swipe away those negative feelings and anxieties when they creep up. When I’m enjoying an experience with Tabby and I start to imagine the what-ifs I immediately do a bit of grounding: “I’m here with my child now”, “she needs me to engage and explore the world with her”, “our time is in the present and it matters”. Simply soaking in the moments with Tabby has also helped to forge the journey of connection that I was missing at first; taking pictures, having family fun, actively noticing and engaging with her individuality, carving out one on one time, etc.
Every single detail about my rainbow baby is precious to me because I know how deep the hurt hits when we lose someone we helped grow. And I cannot take for granted that I’ve been blessed with a living child after so much loss… because not everyone can claim that. Perhaps I’ll never know why God chose me, but I do know that I’m forever grateful. And I believe we’re going to be ok. I’ll continue to pray for joy and keep the faith that Tabby and I enjoy our bond; our kind of rainbow connection; for always.
The Reinvented Mom 